hi. it seems like no one i may know personally is reading my blog so i'll write a letter to my bf's mom and post it here. my purpose is so that when the time comes when im really really really really helpless with her son and i dont have the right state of mind to compose a letter or email to her, and i have to send her a note/letter/email, then i have one already drafted.
I still wish that things will change for the better and that this guy im currently with realizes how much i care about him.
Dear Mrs. B,
I refuse to take care of your son any longer. I have had enough of his drinking habits, selfish, and anti-social behavior. What I want, need, and deserve...he cannot and will not provide. We have reached the point where we wont acknowledge each other anymore. I go to work. He sleeps in. Drinks. Is drunk when I come home from work. Wants to have sex. I ignore him. He gets mad. Then I won't be able to sleep well until it's time to go to work again. And the cycle continues.
I am a very smart and successful young woman. Why am I putting up with your son? Why do I have to deal with him when I deserve someone else?
For more than five years, I have put up with his behavior and habit, which I can no longer take. Therefore, I am dropping him off to the nearest shelter, where he would have a place to sleep in until Spring. The place provides breakfast, too, though everyone must leave by 6 am every single day. It may not be the most comfortable place to be but that is just as much as I can do. I am sorry that it all came down to this. I care about your son very much but he doesnt care about himself or anyone else.
Sincerely,
I.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
What should i do?
i am getting conscious about my writing here. everyone seems to have very good writing skills...i dont think i do so i hope that you bear with me if a blog gets a little confusing.
it's hard to express how i feel right now since i got a call from my current bf last night. he was very mad at me because his mom started confronting him (or according to him, his mom "attacked" him) a bout his drinking. a few months before he went to visit his mom in oregon on 11/15/06, we got into a huge argument because i was getting tired of his drinking every single night so i told his mom. i dont know what to do with him anymore. he says that he is a very private person. well, i guess he really isnt meant to be in a relationship.
back in 2001, this current guy in my life and i met online. then, we started dating. i didnt know him much then but i thought he's really cute and weird. he was 20 then and i was 22. we moved in together in late 2002. the first two years was not so good since we were still adjusting with each others ways. then he moved to vegas in 2003 to see if he can try out his luck but came back in 2004. he encouraged me to buy a house since the housing prices were skyrocketing that i may not eventually be able to afford one. so i did. i was able to buy a condo in sacramento. so we moved there in spring of 2005. a year later, my mom's health started to deteriorate due to complications of her diabetes, she now is undergoing dialysis. She is still OK...there are good days and bad ones.
Being the most reliable person among my siblings, she relies on me in terms of transportation to her md appointments, picking up her meds, etcetera, without much whining. she said that she feels more comfortable with me than with my sisters. then, i felt the pressure of moving closer to where she lives. and so we did. we moved out of my condo in sacramento and moved back to the bay area. i managed to get my work transfer me around the bay, too. so that was excellent!
So, even while we my current bf and i were living in sac, he was still drinking. out of loneliness i guess since i was gone most of the day and he was just home where theres nothing much to do. maybe im just really sick and tired of trying to understand his situation. his condition of maybe depression, loneliness, aloofness from society, etcetera, that i started to ignore how he is. but i am really really sick and tired of dealing with it so i told his mom.
So many many times i tried to encourage him and talk to him into seeing a doctor to control his depression and anti-socialness, to go to the dentist to have his teeth cleaned, take advantage of his medical and dental insurance, to get well so he can sleep better at night, seek help, etcetera....and he did go once. the doctor gave him some sort of sleeping pills that are non-addictive. he tried it for months but then after that, its back to drinking again. he is afraid that he'll get addicted to these meds if he starts taking them. i think the root cause of that fear is due to him witnessing as a kid his dad and brother getting addicted to all sorts of drugs that you can name and these are prescription drugs....narcotics, tranquilizers, sedatives...his dad got into a severe work injury and his brother hanged out with the wrong crowd. He probably never was able to deal with his fears. His mom was too busy taking care of his other brother and herself that she wasnt able to explain a lot of things to him. Soooo depressing!!!!
I'll stop analyzing his behavior now because it doesnt do any good. He'd rather be homeless than do something about his dis-ease. I'm just his girlfriend and i can only do so much. He needs to help his self too but it seems too much of an effort for him....or maybe he just doesnt want to get better. I think that his decision of not wanting to get better makes me worthless in his life. I dont know how else I could be of help. Can you believe that he'd ather be homeless than do something about his life?!?!? I am soo mad!
Now, should I feel guilty about all this? Should I feel bad if I drop him off to the nearest shelter after I pick him up from the airport when he comes back from oregon? Should I even pick him up??? Or just let him be homeless at the airport...maybe security will kick him out, huh? This is all so sad. I normally would help but Ive had it!! I dont deserve him.
A good friend once asked me why I keep telling his mom that I might be kicking him out soon if he doesnt make an effort, etcetera....I told her that I dont want him to be homeless...but it seems like its coming down to it anyway. I am just soooo sad. I dont know what to do now.
it's hard to express how i feel right now since i got a call from my current bf last night. he was very mad at me because his mom started confronting him (or according to him, his mom "attacked" him) a bout his drinking. a few months before he went to visit his mom in oregon on 11/15/06, we got into a huge argument because i was getting tired of his drinking every single night so i told his mom. i dont know what to do with him anymore. he says that he is a very private person. well, i guess he really isnt meant to be in a relationship.
back in 2001, this current guy in my life and i met online. then, we started dating. i didnt know him much then but i thought he's really cute and weird. he was 20 then and i was 22. we moved in together in late 2002. the first two years was not so good since we were still adjusting with each others ways. then he moved to vegas in 2003 to see if he can try out his luck but came back in 2004. he encouraged me to buy a house since the housing prices were skyrocketing that i may not eventually be able to afford one. so i did. i was able to buy a condo in sacramento. so we moved there in spring of 2005. a year later, my mom's health started to deteriorate due to complications of her diabetes, she now is undergoing dialysis. She is still OK...there are good days and bad ones.
Being the most reliable person among my siblings, she relies on me in terms of transportation to her md appointments, picking up her meds, etcetera, without much whining. she said that she feels more comfortable with me than with my sisters. then, i felt the pressure of moving closer to where she lives. and so we did. we moved out of my condo in sacramento and moved back to the bay area. i managed to get my work transfer me around the bay, too. so that was excellent!
So, even while we my current bf and i were living in sac, he was still drinking. out of loneliness i guess since i was gone most of the day and he was just home where theres nothing much to do. maybe im just really sick and tired of trying to understand his situation. his condition of maybe depression, loneliness, aloofness from society, etcetera, that i started to ignore how he is. but i am really really sick and tired of dealing with it so i told his mom.
So many many times i tried to encourage him and talk to him into seeing a doctor to control his depression and anti-socialness, to go to the dentist to have his teeth cleaned, take advantage of his medical and dental insurance, to get well so he can sleep better at night, seek help, etcetera....and he did go once. the doctor gave him some sort of sleeping pills that are non-addictive. he tried it for months but then after that, its back to drinking again. he is afraid that he'll get addicted to these meds if he starts taking them. i think the root cause of that fear is due to him witnessing as a kid his dad and brother getting addicted to all sorts of drugs that you can name and these are prescription drugs....narcotics, tranquilizers, sedatives...his dad got into a severe work injury and his brother hanged out with the wrong crowd. He probably never was able to deal with his fears. His mom was too busy taking care of his other brother and herself that she wasnt able to explain a lot of things to him. Soooo depressing!!!!
I'll stop analyzing his behavior now because it doesnt do any good. He'd rather be homeless than do something about his dis-ease. I'm just his girlfriend and i can only do so much. He needs to help his self too but it seems too much of an effort for him....or maybe he just doesnt want to get better. I think that his decision of not wanting to get better makes me worthless in his life. I dont know how else I could be of help. Can you believe that he'd ather be homeless than do something about his life?!?!? I am soo mad!
Now, should I feel guilty about all this? Should I feel bad if I drop him off to the nearest shelter after I pick him up from the airport when he comes back from oregon? Should I even pick him up??? Or just let him be homeless at the airport...maybe security will kick him out, huh? This is all so sad. I normally would help but Ive had it!! I dont deserve him.
A good friend once asked me why I keep telling his mom that I might be kicking him out soon if he doesnt make an effort, etcetera....I told her that I dont want him to be homeless...but it seems like its coming down to it anyway. I am just soooo sad. I dont know what to do now.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
about me
im twenty seven turning twenty eight on december second. im a female. i enjoy going to rock concerts, hanging out, eating out, watching movies, etcetera.
i enjoy my work. im a program coordinator.
sometimes i dont like my family. sometimes i dont want to care. im with my boyfriend to make my family mad. i know they dont like him because he doesnt have a job.
sometimes i wish i have amnesia. so i can get away with a lot of things. like debt. boyfriend. family. etcetera.
i would like to have my own business someday. well, maybe. we'll see.
i would like to have my own family someday. get married and have kids. three psychics had told me that i will get married someday and have three kids. i told my mom that if i ever get married i'd probably get divorced especially if my husband won't clean the bathroom and kitchen.
i dont think i like responsibilities. i dont think i want to have kids. maybe i can consider adopting but bearing my own would be so painful. they say its worth it. i say i dont want to find out. i just want to have boyfriends. a boyfriend if he's cute enough and treats me well enough.
i enjoy my work. im a program coordinator.
sometimes i dont like my family. sometimes i dont want to care. im with my boyfriend to make my family mad. i know they dont like him because he doesnt have a job.
sometimes i wish i have amnesia. so i can get away with a lot of things. like debt. boyfriend. family. etcetera.
i would like to have my own business someday. well, maybe. we'll see.
i would like to have my own family someday. get married and have kids. three psychics had told me that i will get married someday and have three kids. i told my mom that if i ever get married i'd probably get divorced especially if my husband won't clean the bathroom and kitchen.
i dont think i like responsibilities. i dont think i want to have kids. maybe i can consider adopting but bearing my own would be so painful. they say its worth it. i say i dont want to find out. i just want to have boyfriends. a boyfriend if he's cute enough and treats me well enough.
about this current guy in my life...
this current guy in my life. he is twenty five. birthdays on may twenty fifth. he doesnt have a job. never had because of some social disorder that he has. i hate his mom for not taking care of it when he was young like around his elementary age. his parents were doing drugs. always high. blah.blah blah. until he and his mom had to leave his dad because he became so violent and maybe his mom couldnt take it anymore. they lost everything. their house. car. treasures. etc. i have thought of dumping him several times and i think we may actually break up next year. we'll see. right now he is in oregon with his mom since early november. just for a visit. i bought him a one way ticket and his mom will take care of his going back ticket.
i dont know. ive been losing my patience about him not seeing a doctor about his disorder his anxiety his depression. etcetera. ive been trying to encourage him but i can only do so much. we've been together for five years and i dont think i love him anymore. i care about him but just not love him the way i used to. the sad part is he doesnt know how i feel. im afraid that if he knows about this, then he might do something really stupid like kill himself or whatever. gosh. i hate this feeling.
i think his family has some sort of history of mental disorder. he is very bright though. he was second place on the us national chess championship back in the early nineties. he didnt finish high school and had tried getting his GED once, but failed the writing part. so he has to retake it. so far, he made an attempt to do it but didnt get around to it. he has no job history at all. his friends whom he met were all from online and in different states. his very best friend is around...he is an owner of a chess club in the east bay. theyve been in contact thru email.
i dont know. ive been losing my patience about him not seeing a doctor about his disorder his anxiety his depression. etcetera. ive been trying to encourage him but i can only do so much. we've been together for five years and i dont think i love him anymore. i care about him but just not love him the way i used to. the sad part is he doesnt know how i feel. im afraid that if he knows about this, then he might do something really stupid like kill himself or whatever. gosh. i hate this feeling.
i think his family has some sort of history of mental disorder. he is very bright though. he was second place on the us national chess championship back in the early nineties. he didnt finish high school and had tried getting his GED once, but failed the writing part. so he has to retake it. so far, he made an attempt to do it but didnt get around to it. he has no job history at all. his friends whom he met were all from online and in different states. his very best friend is around...he is an owner of a chess club in the east bay. theyve been in contact thru email.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)